As a few of you may or may not have known, the city of Cincinnati was recently hit by the largest storm in the history of the world.  Here are the events as I recall them.

I was at a friend's house when the storm began.  First, power lines and trees started to come through the houses, like a hot knife through butter.  I saw the nextdoor neigbor hanging out the window, about to plummet from the first story window to the rock hard ground.  I was able to MacGyver together a harness using only my shoe strings, a pillow case, and some of my own chest hair.  After rescuing her, she insisted that I accept a money reward, which I refused, knowing that other people were in danger whom I needed to help.  I told her only to pay it forward. 

I decided that I must return to my apartment to make sure that my food staves were still in tact.  On the way, my car was vacuumed into a tornado.  I was thrown from my car, and concluded that I must fight the storm in hand to hand fisticuffs.  We exchanged blows for the better part of 7 minutes until I struck a direct blow into the heart of the storm.  Hurricane Ike then dropped me back down to the ground, where I continued to home.  The 20 mile jog back to my house took about 2 and a half minutes.  I would have arrived sooner, but I had to perform mouth to mouth resuscitation on an infant who was hit with a live electrical wire. 

Upon arrival at home, my roommate insisted that we play Scattergories to pass the time.  I told him that we needed to set up more preventative measures to hold the storm back.  I finally gave in and played him in one game in which I beat him 279 to 2. 

After our game, I knew I had to somehow put an end to the storm.  I took up my trusty pocket knife and widdled a battle sword out of a fallen tree.  As I began my journey to the top of the tallest mountain, which the locals call Mount St. Joseph, the woodland creatures started to unite around me.  With our power combined we were able to conquer Ike and send him away.

I realized that until I was able to turn all the power back on in Greater Cincinnati, I would be without food.  This bothered me.  I then slaughtered the very forest animals that had united around me and cooked them on one very large skewer which I carved out of a fully grown grizzly bear's femur.  I then ate them all.  The end.

Jesse