Lately I’ve been a little queasy.

I’m officially on the freakout train and battening the hatches in preparation for the storm that is this current economy. Being a 401k-er I had taken the approach of not even looking at the portfolio…until recently.

I had already cut all non-essential spending to save for Italy, but I’m thinking a slashing may be in order to provide a little cushion for slow times ahead.

 

For me right now, the equation looks like this:

Money well spent/invested in these times = Education, children’s education and the best healthcare possible.

Everthing else beyond necessities and charitable donations right now is luxury.

 

That being said, it looks like arrivederci, bono sera, byebye for now to Signor DaVinci.

It’s a shame because the syllabus for the class is amazing. Even the pre-assignments are fantastic. Ah well…everything works out exactly as it should. I’m convinced I’ll get there eventually – just not this year. I do still, however have the luxury of learning Italian on my way to school – which is perfect – for now.

 

 Translation for my Italian friends 

Ultimamente sono stato poco un queasy.

Sono ufficialmente sul treno del freakout e sul battening i portelli in preparazione per la tempesta che è questa economia corrente. Essendo i 401k-er avevo adottato il metodo di non neppure guardando la cartella… fino a recentemente.

Già avevo tagliato tutta la spesa non indispensabile per conservare per l'Italia, ma sto pensando che ridurre possa essere per fornire un ammortizzatore piccolo per i periodi lenti avanti.

 

Per me ora, l'equazione assomiglia a questa:

I soldi spesi bene/hanno investito in questi periodi = nella formazione, nella formazione dei bambini e nel healthcare migliore possibile.

Everthing altrimenti oltre le necessità  e donazioni caritatevoli è di lusso.

 

Che essendo detto, assomiglia al arrivederci, i sieri di bono, byebye per ora al Signor DaVinci.

È una vergogna perché il programma per il codice categoria è stupefacente. Anche le pre-assegnazioni sono fantastiche. L'amperora scaturisce… tutto risolve esattamente come esso debba. Sono convinto che otterrò finalmente là - appena non questo anno. tranquillo, comunque abbia il lusso di italiano imparante sul mio

senso istruire - che è perfetto - per ora.

 

Have a safe and beautiful Thanksgiving!

As the close of this semester draws near and I consider how much I’ve learned in what seems like a few short weeks, I’d been looking forward to comparing my pre-term “What I will not do” list  to my in-the-works “What I will not do again” list. Just a habit I have grown accustomed to indulging in after every big “project”.  Makes me feel as though I can put my arms around whatever I am dealing with. 

 This is where I realized that the latter part of my little ritual is a bit premature. As much as it feels as though I have processed more new information than I could have ever thought possible, I’ve still got a long way to go before I do my Monday morning quarterback routine.  Here’s the upside to this realization: whatever shortcomings I may have had this term, I only have to inventory the amount of newly acquired skills and knowledge I did not have prior to August to feel a sense of accomplishment.

 Don’t get me wrong – I do have a short list of strategies that worked, and ones that didn’t, but it has been quite calming to realize that my entire academic career is not at the mercy of one semester.  (whew!) Coming to terms with the acknowledgement that my beautiful 4.0 from a relatively easy spring term is in the rear view mirror, I am setting my sites on the coming spring term. Unfazed, full speed ahead with a better picture of what balancing a full time life with a full time course load really requires.

Besides, I’m not as much fun when I’m perfect.

Does anyone else register then spend the days after tweaking and revising?

I usually don’t, but I have been going back and forth about the Mediterranean IDS that includes the trip to Italy.

I started out so excited to go, but as the economic news of last week unraveled I worried about being “frivolous”.

Sometimes it’s tough to figure out where self-interest ends and noblesse oblige begins.

Our family had already decided to find bigger ways to impact our community this year and in the desire to do more – I got caught up in the not-so-reliable practice of “doing without” and feeling kinda guilty for being fortunate enough to have options I may not have had in the past. (Maybe it’s a “mom” thing).

Ultimately the best insight came from more than one source, (as it usually does!). 

I’ll share the details later, but the short of it all is that it looks as though I’ll be getting a new passport and popping that Italian phrase cd back in…

  

P.S. - I don’t know about anyone else but , this events of the past week rendered me speechless for about a second, but more significant, I am profoundly inspired by my country, my fellow Americans, and the beauty of a culturally, socially evolving political system and landscape that really does reflect who we are as a nation. Not to be a nationalist, but it really does feel nice to be an American these days.

I started off this morning as I usually do on Sundays – reading the NY times cover to cover and picking apart the commentaries. This morning was a little different. [besides this insipid time change that found me sitting in front of a computer at 4:18 am (egads!)].

Frank Rich’s column entitled “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner” provoked a response I could not keep to myself.  It may not be relevant to anyone but me, and may certainly more of a generational response – but I thought it was worth sharing.

So below you will find a link to the column, along with my commentary – also published in the Sunday Times. If you’ve not seen the movie – perhaps it can be your  “something new” to try this week.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/02/opinion/02rich.html?hp

“As one of those children (born just a bit earlier in 1966) - Senator Obama embodies everything we believed and we were told we could be one day as middle-class children of color (with hard work, and good grades!). Sure we'd have to be stronger, faster, tougher and willing to start below "the bottom”, all in the most non-threatening way possible. But

that was just the "way it was" and we were happy to go along with the program just to earn the right to dream the American dream.

The fact that there has been such confusion as to his toughness, blackness, or whether or not he or America is "ready" for this new chapter, has often left me wondering why we were ever regaled with tales of a new day coming for America for all of us, regardless of race. We buy every other story/tale about who we are as a people, (from the wild west to Thanksgiving); why could we not believe our own mythology this time around?

It would seem that perhaps we are turning a page in our collective American history - but it is hard not to hold my breath and have the audacity to hope that everything my parents told me (and raised me to believe) is true.

While the bogeyman of racism in America still like the recessive gene we can't seem breed out - perhaps we can finally trust each other enough to keep him in his place with the rest of the relics of hate and division; regardless of who is president.(?)

Maybe we really can finally find a way to love our country more than our race. There are a lot more of us "starry-eyed" kids (and our kids) of the Loving vs. Virginia legacy than anyone realizes; and if America is confused by Barack Obama – she may find herself truly confounded by her new generation(s).”

 

My plan was to come home this evening and dash off a short piece based on the scribbles on scraps of paper I’d been jotting down all weekend. Ten minutes of the evening news and checking messages and being moved to tears and ire motivated me to take a moment a re-center instead. Nothing like the news to put a ding in the psyche…

 

Lately I’ve been operating in a self-imposed bubble of optimism fueled by strong doses of faith and a solid shot of realism. This strategy has served me particularly well and I try to avoid anything that may distract me from using it as a means to getting where I’m going with as few annoyances as possible.

 

Despite my pointed best efforts to yank up distractions and sources of discouragement by the roots, a few raise their ugly heads from time to time only to be met with a smile and a boot heel. Maintaining a sunny disposition requires much more effort and ruthlessness than one would imagine. I know it sounds like a  contradiction in terms, but the truth is, every single day the world still turns and the sun still rises...somewhere...whether I see it or not. I have no power over certain things; but I can choose to take my next breath in enlightenment and strength, or witless bliss. Does that make sense?

 

Putting in a late night to reread for a test tomorrow - that doesn’t leave much time for taking a philosophical detour right now. I’ll keep my intended rant on the back burner until there’s time to properly flesh it out. Until then, news off, ringer down and back to the grindstone…

So here's the deal this week:

Crazy schedule, crazy family and not enough hours in the day! What else is new? The weekend was less a "week's end" but rather a very long start to this week. Technically it should be Thursday...I think.  It was hard not to at least want to pull a Ferris Bueller (sp.) and take a self appointed holiday...

I have my first lab practical ever this week for Anatomy & Physiology so if I seem a bit distracted and babble incoherently, it's just the nerves.  While I have to admit, Dr. Murray has provided an exceptional array of tools to "ensure success", the jury is still out my ability to recall it all. I am feeling better about the material in chemistry but my retention could stand some enhancement! Practice, practice, practice is the key as I understand it - I just can't seem to squeeze in enough "practice time" between classes! Are there CDs for Chem I can play in my car...? Just asking...

Obviously there is a pervailing theme here. The universe is sending me a message here and I think it has to do with presence - particulary, presence of mind. Dr. Muckerheide repeatedly says that we only have so much room in our brains so it should not be wasted with worry; or I suppose other such fodder.

This is the week that I put in to practice all of the things that are supposed to keep me from degenerating into a sobbing heap of crybaby whiney-ness while I beat back the spectre of self doubt amongst all of these young, vibrant elastic minds. Am I really doing this voluntarily?  Maybe I really am nuts...I could be having a looong lunch right now or enjoying a seaweed wrap...maybe... but here's the thing - that would not get me from "Point A" - preparing for what I was put here to do , to "Point B" - actually doing what I was put here to do. What I know for sure is that sometimes, hard work is just that; hard work. (and perhaps it should be.) The adrenalin rush of accomplishment, however is an amazing payoff!

This is what's working for me these days...

Regroup.

Breathe...center...and remember that brick walls for the people who don't really want  what's on the other side (thanks, Randy Pausche.) Recall the perfection in imperfection , cut myself some slack and embrace my humanity. We are not always in control and we are decidedly not perfect. (thanks, Dr. Annette.)

Whew!

In the meantime, today I will take a more scenic route home, and make sure that the time I spend in the garden is truly "in the garden" so that I'm not pining for it while I'm in the lab. I will be present where I am and be where I am present. Does that even make sense to anyone but me ?

On related note, I am taking any and all reasonable tips, tricks, or suggestions for de-coating my brain of teflon. Anyone?

It’s hard to believe another week has already flown by and midterm just blew past us. For some of us slammed with labs, practicals and everything in between, the annual Tri-Beta camping trip at Mammoth Caves this past weekend was just what the doctor ordered!

 

This of course was my first year going and I was a little skeptical about the whole sleeping on the ground in a tent thing. I’d been a camp counselor for 2 years but we had cabins and dining halls…definitely not the same kind of camping.

Mammoth Caves are the longest cave system in the world at over 367 miles. The sheer wonder of it's size alone was breathtaking. I will definitely be returning. I can't guarantee that I will choose a tent over a cabin (given my druthers), but getting back to basics does have it's merits. No tv or laptop, no cell service, no distractions -

 

Like true overachievers, there were those of us who packed flashcards and text along with sleeping bags and bug spray. We studied between campfires and cave hikes and even though I worried that I was not quite getting enough quality time with the skeletal system, I came back amazingly refreshed having retained far more than I usually do.

 

Perhaps –this was a good indicator of what I need in my study plans. A little less white noise and a little more peace, quiet and a good old fashioned "low tech" (gasp!) hands-on approach may be the ticket…at least once in a while...

 

As of late, there has been a bit more chatter than usual about the end of the world as we know it…Blame it on the war, the scary economic times, or just the prospect of changing times, maybe even paradigm shifts. Whatever the reason – the televangelists and soothsayers are having a field day.

Just a thought, but perhaps this “end” would not be such a tragedy. The world as we know it may not be the best we can do –

Still working this out in my head, but when I consider the changes can occur in such a short period of time as a result of public policies and politics, hearing  our  would be leaders espouse  some romantic notion of the “good old days” -  I must admit I shudder a little bit. Thoughts of a simpler time when we dropped our g’s and hunted “commies” and everyone waited their turn and “knew their place” kicks my gag reflex into overdrive. Whenever I hear someone espouse their vision for the future that hearkens back to the past – all I can think is that for someone like me, those good old days weren’t so good.

As a woman, as a person of color – truly level playing fields and a farewell to “isms” doesn’t seem like such a horrifying notion. Call me crazy but dollar for dollar as opposed to .75 for every dollar actually appeals to me.    Never hearing another racist, sexist, classist epitaph again doesn’t strike me as some strange foreign ideology trying to creep in and corrupt the pristine mecca that is our country. I have this insane idea that the very thing that has made us great is the very thing some elements are trying to rub out – our willingness to stretch ourselves beyond the status quo, our ability to evolve cultural and spiritually and still remain one people under one flag, and perhaps closest to my heart, our imperfect yet ever striving drive to be a better people.

Like I said, still working it out in my head as I try to balance staying "connected" with studies...so I could be wrong...

Word of the Day: Priorities

So Monday morning I woke up from a nightmare that I was somehow on the wrong campus looking for a non-existent science building that I should have been in twenty minutes earlier for a chemistry exam, racing around in a panic...

I can't remember the last time I had a dream like that. Obviously something was out of whack.

Needless to say, I had been a little stressed about this class. Doing all of the wrong things for my learning style - focusing on points instead of knowledge, cramming instead of just pacing - everything that sends me into a tailspin. I know better - right? Study better, study smarter, and above all don't freak out! It's the last part that got me. Not a big hysterical freaking out, but a quiet little in-my-own-head one.

Well, waking up to the reality of the "failed bailout" and people "losing it" en masse shortly after dragging myself downstairs and logging on snapped me back into shape pretty quickly. The cover of the Times was practically screaming about the nearly 800 point drop overnight and all of the resident Chicken Littles were in line proclaiming the falling sky in six languages. My bank is on the latest dumpster list along with a lot of other people's I'm sure.

Egads.

Suddenly, the "horrors of chemistry" seemed like a small thing to raise my blood pressure over. Happy home, good life, and the privilege of learning something new everyday. There are worse places to be - both literally and metaphorically. If the worst thing that happens today is that I get some things wrong, then it is good day.

Sometimes I really do learn more by getting it wrong than I do by getting it right; but that's just me. Fortunately that I can afford to make some mistakes right now - so I'll take it while I can and save a little happy for when things get really rough.

My priorities this week:

1. Try to get more things right than wrong.

                          BUT

2. Learn just as much from the wrong answers.

That should keep me calm for a little while...at least today.

It’s exactly 5:03 on a Sunday morning and the one day of the week I don’t have to get up this early…but I do anyway – if I want to sneak in a little down time for reflection and meditation without locking myself in my walk-in.
 
It’s hard to believe that classes at the Mount have only been in session for just under a month. There is a quality to the days that causes them to almost seamlessly meld into one save for a few intermittent spurts of sleep. Don’t get me wrong – I am neither overworked nor overwhelmed. After marriage, children and all the surprises those paths include, there is something serendipitous about landing in a place where I can actively pursue my own destiny; where plans are made to be met, roads built to be traveled; and limitations soundly dismissed.

It is fitting that I would be a non-traditional student in a traditional major (biology). It is indeed a metaphor for the very tenor of my life up to this point. There is very little that I find beyond belief or possibility, yet I am constantly awed and overwhelmed by the wonder and mysteries of this life – this universe even. Pragmatic yet intoxicated with the boundless possibilities ahead, I find it impossible not to be a bit thrilled.

Someone asked me last week about my motivations for returning to school – perhaps after everything thing else I’ve had the opportunity to do or perhaps even at this time in my life. Surprisingly, although going into my third term here, this is a question I’d not been asked by anyone other than my advisor (Note: I did expect to be more of an oddity than I apparently am!)  yet I’d answered it in my mind a dozen times. The truth is, there comes a point when the realization that the dreams we are given don’t cease to exist just because we put them away for time. Sitting on a shelf does not negate them or make them any less powerful. When that realization for me intersected with the opportunity to actually pursue those dreams – how could I not seize upon it?

Life, time – goes by alarmingly fast. The days melt into weeks, months, years. Just yesterday I performed doll surgery on top of my parents wet bar and forced my brother to sit still while I prepped him for a brain transplant on the terrace. Life swooped in early and sped in a direction seemingly miles away from that girlhood dream of pursuing medicine. I could not have imagined that there would come a time when I would be here, now; not simply pursuing a dream, but continuing a journey. Perhaps, the road was leading in this direction all along – giving me the grace of a little extra preparation and few more tools to make the trip; in which case, what choice did I have but to pack a bag and accept the challenge?

A thought to share this morning:

"Destiny is not a matter of chance; but a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for; it is a thing to be achieved."
                                                                                                 - William Jennings Bryan